The Certainty Found In Firelight
by TaraGeek
Summary: Paris Geller's life was exactly as she planned it. So why on a cold fall morning does she end up, for the first time in years sitting on a bench in Stars Hollow Connecticut? Set a number of years after the series ended.
1. Chapter 1

Paris Geller's life was perfect, just...perfect. She'd finally made it. She was a Doctor with the fulfilling, important research position attached to Harvard Medical School that she'd always dreamed of. She even had a husband, Doyle was a good man. He was more than she'd ever expected. Someone to come home to, someone she could actually hold a conversation with who was just as intelligent and driven as she was. He was someone she could share her life with...happily. He was the perfect husband.

So on a Monday morning there was no reason at all for her to end up far far away from work. No reason to find herself sitting in the crisp fall air on a bench in the middle of Stars Hollow Connecticut. Really, there was no reason for her to be there...no reason at all.

Paris glanced down at her phone, it was buzzing for possibly the hundredth time since she failed to arrive at work that morning. Calls from her boss and from Doyle were adding up though she barley registered them and she'd answered none. Today all she could think about was this place. It's not like it had ever been a major part of her life. The times she'd spent here could probably be added up on the fingers of one hand but what it represented had been far more major. It represented Rory Gilmore. She'd kept in touch with Rory over the years. As much as it was possible given her former student body vice president and college room mate's nation and globe trotting adventures working for one news organisation or another. E-mails went back and forth and Christmas and Hanukkah cards were always exchanged. Rory had been her first real friend. The first person to actually let her finish her sentences and seem genuinely interested. Rory had never been far from Paris's mind in the years since they had left Yale. It was like that with best friends right ? There was no reason for her to be here now and Paris couldn't find a single reason to justify her own presence. She also couldn't find the will to get up and return to her life. So... she just sat.

The town hadn't changed much. It was the picture of quaint yet quirky small town charm that she remembered. She also remembered that it _should_ repel her. People buzzed to and fro with a frenetic energy that seemed at odds with the parochial setting. They seemed to be preparing for one of the towns regular events. Events that through Rory had reached nigh legendary status. Carts and kiosks where being wheeled into place around the town gazebo and a moderately sized bonfire was being constructed.

Almost hypnotised, Paris was lost in her own thoughts and continued to pay her regularly buzzing phone no heed at all. She didn't notice a figure approaching her from the middle of the bustle.

"Paris?" The figure questioned drawing closer.

Paris focused, drawing her gaze out of the middle distance and toward the dark haired woman who was approaching.

"Ms. Gilmore!" she responded almost jumping out of her seat. It had been a long time since she had seen Rory's mother, the famous Lorelai Gilmore. The woman who at 16 had found this place and made it home for her young daughter and herself. The woman who even to this day Rory still sighted as her inspiration and best friend. She hadn't changed, she had the same long wavy dark brown hair and the same bright inquisitive eyes that dug far too deep for Paris's comfort. The only difference this time was the small equally dark haired little boy clinging to her side.

"C'mon now Paris you know it's Lorelai!" The woman chirped, taking a seat on the bench next to Paris then pulled the little boy onto her lap. "What are you doing here !" She continued.

Paris couldn't answer. She honestly couldn't, she didn't have a reason to justify her presence to herself let alone to anyone else!

"I... um...I just.. drove..." Paris felt ridiculous. She was an articulate woman with an M.D for goodness sake! She should not have been jibbering like an idiot to some woman that she barley knew. Lorelai drew back and carefully placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Paris, what's wrong?" She asked. This kind of concern, concern that Paris assumed was motherly in fashion wasn't something she'd had ever been used to. It certainly wasn't what she came here looking for. Whatever that was ! She quickly drew up from her seat and felt the crisp wind bite at her cheek. Pausing in her tracks bringing a hand to her face she found it wet, tears freely flowing.

"Paris." Lorelai soothed taking hold of her free hand, gently encouraging her back down to the bench. "I know we haven't seen each other in years but you're still Rory's friend. You can tell me." She assured, bright blue that were eyes so much like Rory's digging deep.

Paris just sat staring into in her lap. She was trying to speak, trying to find some way to explain what she was doing. Both to Lorelai and to herself. She stuttered again, forcing words out through sheer act of will.

"I..my life is good. It's .. everything I ever planned...I..." She looked up, gathering in the sounds and smells and people of this place that had meant so much to Rory. She was still fighting to make sense of her thoughts and to work out any kind of explanation when a small voice interupted right next to her.

"Mommy, is the lady sad?" The small boy sitting on Lorelai's lap broke the silence.

"I think so Will." Lorelai cooed turning around in her seat and motioning in to the crowd. A tall man in a plaid shirt wearing a backwards baseball cap walked over. Paris recognised him as Luke Danes, owner of the town dinner and Rory's stepfather. Lorelai beamed up at him as he approached, the little boy letting out an excited yell of.

"Daddy !"

"Honey can you take Will for sec?" Lorelai asked as she passed the child up to his father. "I'm kinda having a thing with Paris here." Lorelai reached over and ran a gentle hand over Paris's shoulder. "You remember Rory's friend Paris right?"

"Sure, I remember." Luke replied before adding "Hey." toward Paris.

"Hi." She sniffed back, trying to draw in the tears that were still flowing. She was desperate not to loose her dignity with yet another person that she barely knew.

"Well.." Luke added turning to look at his son."We'll get going." Luke and Lorelai shared a squeeze of hands before he left, taking their son back into the crowd of busy locals.

Paris returned to looking intently toward her lap, trying to sniff back tears that seemed to continue regardless of her command and spoke again.

"I'm sorry. You don't need me here being crazy."

Lorelai smiled.

"Sweetie, you don't need to apologise to me. I just want to make sure you're ok." Caring mother figures were definitely not something Paris would ever get used to. She sucked in a breath readying herself to be stoic and to sniff away all the tears. Reassuring Lorelai that yes she was fine. It was just work stress and it happens and she had to get going, had to get back to work. Instead she just sat and whipped the tears from her face.

"Everything IS fine..." She offered."Everything's exactly how I planned it." Lorelai continued to gently rub her shoulder. It was an unusual sensation, unusual and strangely soothing.

"But...?" Lorelai questioned.

Turning her head again to take yet another gaze at Stars Hollow Paris felt her tears begin to slow.

"I miss her." She offered.

Lorelai drew a soft comforting smile and spoke a single name.

"Rory." She replied not as a question in need of confirmation but simply as a sure statement of fact.

Paris felt the world around her melt away. Work and Boston and Doyle and her family, even Stars Hollow and the kind woman sitting next to her blurred into the back ground as the Earth stopped turning.

"She was never part of the plan but I miss her so much." In her entire life nothing that Paris had ever said felt as true.


	2. Chapter 2

Paris felt the world around her melt away. Work and Boston and Doyle and her family, even Stars Hollow and the kind woman sitting next to her blurred into the back ground as the Earth stopped turning.

"She was never part of the plan but I miss her so much." In her entire life nothing that Paris had ever said felt as true. All she could feel was the thump, thump, thump of her own heart. It wasn't quick and panicked, instead it was slow and steady. She felt herself breath again, the cold Fall air and the scent of leaves that lay damp on the ground filled her lungs. She finally understood what all of this was about. It took her entire world stopping plus a drive across two states to realise it but the thing missing from her life was Rory Gilmore.

It was one thing to finally realise that the feelings she had might be so much more than friendship. It was another to do it in floods of tears sitting right next to Rory's Mother! Paris's tears were dry now and the Earth began to turn again as she reached for the right words. For anything that could explain what she'd just said. Before she could speak, Lorelai beat her to it.

"You love her." Again the elder Gilmore's words weren't a question, instead they were a statement of fact. A certainty that sounded almost familiar on her tongue. Paris opened her mouth to speak, unsure of what she might be about to say when again Lorelai cut her off.

"Paris this isn't exactly a surprise to me. I always felt like there was something. The way you looked at Rory. The way you opened up with her. The way everything between you two always had so much feeling. Heck you were practically Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart!"

Lorelai didn't seem to be angry about any of it. Surprise and shock looked like they were the furthest things from her mind. It was was kind of strange to Paris. Both the fact that she might be gay and the fact the Mother of the Woman she was in love with, that she'd apparently been in love with since she was 16 years old could be understanding of the idea.

"You.. You don't hate me?" Paris managed. Her voice was stronger than before though she still felt like a child confronting it but her strength was returning. Again Lorelai smiled and quirked an eyebrow, a mischievous grin peeling onto her face.

"Hate you? Why? 'Cause you'd like to violate my first born !" She replied playfully prodding a finger into Paris's arm.. The ways of the Gilmores remaining as inexplicable to Paris as they ever had been Lorelai grew subtly more serious. "Paris no. Of course not! To start with this place is hardly the bible belt. Secondly random kids just falling head over heels for Rory. That was kind of a sport around here once upon a time!"

Paris cringed at the memory of the boy's who'd fought over Rory like some sort of prize when they were in high school and college. She cringed again at the thought that had she been a little more emotionally self aware at 17, she might have been joining them !

The thought pulled her back to the reality of her life, to her disconnection from it and what it let out a ragged breath, bringing her hands to her forehead.

"God ! I can't be going through this at 28 !" She exclaimed. "I have a life! I have a husband !"

Quickly Lorelai returned to a more motherly mode and gently took Paris's hand.

"Hey, not everybody's life goes at the same pace ! It's not a one size fits all plan." The older woman reassured. Technically Paris knew this was true. She'd never judged herself by the actions of the people around her unless it was to exceed them and she wasn't going to start now. Knowing that and feeling it were two different things and she still felt lost. Looking back at Lorelai she quickly and frustratedly replied.

"YOU worked your life out at 16 !"

Lorelai looked sceptical as she responded.

"I HAD to. And it's not like it was always smooth sailing. I didn't get my love life together till I was almost 40 !" She motioned back to the crowd toward her Husband and young son who were busy hanging lanterns from the bare Fall trees. Paris took in the sight then turned to Lorelai. Drawing out of herself for a moment, at least in part.

"You went through allot before you married Luke didn't you." She recalled the annoyance that she'd once felt sitting through the stories Rory told of her mother's love life and hearing one side of conversations about Rory's Dad while they were in their senior year at Yale.

"I did." Lorelai confirmed. "But I got there, and you will too."

Paris wasn't so sure. She wasn't sure what she was going to do next or how she was going to talk to Doyle about any of this. It wasn't like life was a movie and upon returning to Stars Hollow she would run into Rory's waiting arms and live happily ever after. Still, clearly something had to change. From the morning's events that was clear if anything was.

She had never exactly been a social butterfly. Gay or not connections with other people were always going to be difficult for her but looking at Lorelai and hearing her words made Paris almost believe, as ridiculous as she knew it was, in happy endings. Maybe it was the way Rory echoed in her face and her voice but at that moment sitting in the tiny town off I:91, she was filled with gratitude and comfort.

"Thank you." She said simply, trying through sheer force of will to impart just how earnestly she felt it.

"Hey, thats ok sweetie." Lorelai replied. "I know you're not a hugger and maybe it's just the Mom in me but I'm gonna do it any way ok?" Lorelai didn't wait for a reply. Instead she threw her arms around Paris in a tight embrace. Paris hugged back with as much awkwardness as she always did, until Lorelai drew away.

"So I guess I should be heading back to Boston." Paris proclaimed standing from the seat and looking around to her car parked near by. "I can't believe I blew off a morning of work. Still there's a first time for everything right!"

"egh... you had circumstances!" Lorelai replied. "For this I think you deserve some time!" She paused again very briefly looking Paris over. A thought clearly flashing through her mind, she spoke again. "We have the towns annual firelight festival tonight. There's plenty to eat, plenty to drink, there's a big bonfire and some really pretty lights. You should stay. I'll give you a room at the inn, on the house. After this, you deserve to relax!"

Paris was greatfull for the offer, she really was but what she'd just gone through was allot to process. She needed some space and time to deal with it. A town full of friendly locals, kind hearted and itching to hear about her life didn't sound like the best place to do that. She was about to make her polite excuses and return to Boston to take refuge at work and figure out how she was going to talk to Doyle about all of this. When out of the corner of her eye, she saw Luke and Will making their way out of the crowd. The boy was awkwardly stumbling as toddlers do, both arms out stretched. His father was close behind steadying him with intense concentration. The pair had almost reached them when the boy called out.

"Rory !"

Paris spun around in the direction Will had called. She saw a silver Prius parked across the street and a very familiar face stepping out of the driver's side. She was both the same and different than Paris remembered. Tall, elegant, her pale face framed by long brown hair that in adulthood tumbled in waves past her shoulders. Paris's stomach did the same flip it always had upon seeing Rory and she felt a flush in her cheeks that she was finally able to acknowledge the meaning of. Glued to the spot she watched as the younger Gilmore began to make her way across the road toward them. A broad smile reaching across her cheeks she paused after a few steps her eyes growing wide in shock, her smile growing wider still.

"Paris !" She called out.


	3. Chapter 3

Paris spun around in the direction Will had called. She saw a silver Prius parked across the street and a very familiar face stepping out of the driver's side. She was both the same and different than Paris remembered. Tall, elegant, her pale face framed by long brown hair that in adulthood tumbled in waves past her shoulders. Paris's stomach did the same flip it always had upon seeing Rory and she felt a flush in her cheeks that she was finally able to acknowledge the meaning of. Glued to the spot she watched as the younger Gilmore began to make her way across the road toward them. A broad smile reaching across her cheeks she paused after a few steps her eyes growing wide in shock, her smile growing wider still.

"Paris !" She called out.

Paris remained glued to her spot, her mind was blanked by shock as Rory quickly covered the few remaining steps between them and drew her into a tight embrace.

"What are you doing here !" She questioned, the embrace growing tighter.

Paris was sure that her face was the brightest kind of red. It felt like a radiator. She still didn't know how the mornings revelations would or even should alter interactions with her friend. She stumbled for words as Rory pulled away retaining a grip on both Paris's hands. Mercifully Lorelai interjected, saving Paris for a further time that day.

"Hey you were coming home! We thought it'd be nice if we put on the full welcome commitee! Come here babe." Lorelai reach around pulling Rory into a hug. "You have a good trip?"

Rory smiled, " Sure, if you mean a flight that was more than 13 hours long followed by a drive! It's good to be home though."

Paris watched as Rory exchanged greetings with Luke and Will. Her little brother eagerly running off questions, full of excitement.

Urged on by a gentle encouraging look from Lorelai and honestly feeling like an interloper Paris followed the group into Lukes Diner. As they sat Luke left to fetch coffee, followed closely by Lorelai and a still excited Will, leaving Rory and Paris alone.

"I'm so glad you came !" Rory exclaimed again taking Paris hands. "So how are things? How's Harvard?" Paris's stomach twisted as she added. "How's Doyle?"

For the moment lacking as she did a real answer to the question of her Husband, Paris simply brushed of a quick but understandable.

"He's fine. Busy though, but he's fine." The subject her job was far more comfortable however. In their semi regular correspondence Paris had kept Rory up to date with her work at the Dana-Farber/Harvard Cancer Center in Boston. As always Rory remained one of the few people who's eyes lit up with genuine interest at the topic of Paris's work. Back in her comfort zone she eagerly responded.

"Well we're doing a phase II trial on a second line treatment for Graft-versus-host disease using low-dose interleukin 2 right now. It's pretty exciting! It surpreses the immune response that causes Graft-versus-host. It could alleviate autoimmune inflammation in non-cancer patients too."

Rory's bright blue eyes burned deep into her as she spoke, soaking up detail after detail. It was only when she was finished talking that Paris looked down at the table to see their hands still intertwined. Looking back up her breath almost left her at the sight. She was exposed but safe in a way that she'd only ever felt with Rory.

"How're you doing?" She asked, just as eager to hear about her friends exploits as Rory had been about hers. "You're still with Aljazeera right? I saw your reports from Cairo and Alexandria last year." Rory gave a confirming nod then replied.

"Yeah. I'm all over the place which is great but I'm mostly based out of Doha right now."

She turned, looking over towards Lorelai and thoughtfully smiled.

"But I'm thinking about transferring to the New York bureau. I'd still be travelling plenty but it'd be nice to be closer to home. Especially now that Will's getting older. I don't want to miss my little brother growing up!"

Rory's connection to her family had always been something that baffled Paris even though she knew that the younger Gilmore drew strength and comfort from it. Giving up a position like the one that Rory held at Aljazeera's Doha broadcast centre was hard to understand. Though her impressive journalistic skill meant that whatever country she was based out of she would continue to put out the intelligent, insightful work that Paris had always known. She also felt a rush and an easing of the knot in her stomach at the idea of Rory being so much closer again. Dismissing the thought quickly and pushing away the awkward and stupidly jealous questions brewing in her mind as to Rory's love life, Paris looked around to see Lorelai returning to the table with Coffee and an an eager Will. They sat, Rory happily pulling her little brother into her lap. Taking a sip of her coffee with her free hand she turned back to Paris and with an eagerness that rendered it impossible to decline, she asked.

"So you're staying for the firelight festival? I don't think you've ever seen it before. It's beautiful and it'd be wonderfull to show you."

For a moment Paris found it impossible to reply. There was so much she needed to deal with let alone an unplanned absence from work or the inability to call her husband back. She hadn't planned anything today and things were happening at an alarming rate. Still, as parochial as it was sitting in a diner in Star Hollow, looking over at Rory she felt more in control, more like things were ok than she had in a very long time. She took a breath, the memory of an unplanned to trip to a Bangels concert in New York 12 years earlier briefly flashing through her mind she simply replied.

"I can't wait!"

"Of course she's staying !" Lorelai added cheerily. "Michelle has your room reservation at the front desk and all the food you like, on the house of course while you're with us okay."

A broad beaming smile again peeled itself across Rory's face as she looked from her Mom to her brother then back to fix on Paris. Reaching across the table she again linked their hands. "I can't believe I'm back home with all of you...it's been too long!"

Rory paused for a moment and squeezed Paris's hand before Lorelai interjected, slapping her hand down on the table in mock frustration.

"Well it's about time you know! I haven't seen you since Christmas and we need more than chats over Skype!" She turned to her younger child adding. "Don't we Will?" The little boy bounced in his sister's lap calling her name and hugging her tightly.

The morning wore on with Rory sharing story after story of her work and the places she'd been. The people of Stars Hollow excitedly appeared one by one to say how much they'd missed her and how proud they were of her. Paris found herself quietly looking on at the proceedings. For the time being the questions that faced her simply didn't matter. Eventually morning past into midday and Rory headed back to her mother's house to unpack her things. She left Paris with a long hug and a promise to collect her later that afternoon.

With Lorelai's instructions Paris made her way out to the Dragonfly Inn and was greeted as promised. Unpacking wasn't really an option as she hadn't brought anything with her. She found herself for probably the first time since her melt down over being rejected by Harvard for her undergrad, with absolutely nothing to do. This wasn't a good thing, not even on a normal day. On a normal day it would just be a waste of her time but today it was down right dangerous. She could feel herself beginning to spiral into panic. A thousand different feelings that she had apparently been repressing all her life began to bubble to the surface. She quit pacing the room and feeling entirely too hot for comfort she threw off her jacket and planted herself firmly at the foot of the bed. Taking slow, shaky breaths Paris willed herself to calm down. She was far from the kid who'd flipped out in fencing class or melted down live on C-SPAN over a college rejection letter. She was however, at her core the same person. She was a woman who expected and achieved perfection from herself. She'd always done that through planning, through detailed planning. What she knew now was that the plan was wrong. Or rather it was incomplete, there were new variables and she didn't have a clue how to make them fit. Still taking slow breaths that mercifully grew steadier each time she exhaled Paris drew her gaze up from the colourful wool of the rug at her feet and met her own gaze in the room's mirror. Probably a fraction of a second away from speaking words that she'd waited a life time to hear out loud. With the initial syllable of what might have turned into the phrase.

"I'm Gay"

literally on her lips she was shaken, her whole body jumping, jolted by the buzz of her phone. She still hadn't called either Doyle or work to let them know where she was. The calls that she was ignoring had grown less and less frequent through out the day. Not to break a long standing pattern she'd switched her phone to vibrate half way along I:84. Modern cell phones were certainly idiotic devices but outside of a laboratory hers was rarely off. She quickly reached through the folds of her discarded jacket to see who it was. The screen read Dr. Julia M Trainor (work). It was her immediate superior. Paris gathered herself and hit answer. She still had no idea what she was doing but she had to start dealing with things somehow. Giving some sort of explanation as to why she wasn't at work would be a start.


	4. Chapter 4

Paris was shaken and her whole body jumped, jolted by the buzz of her phone. She still hadn't called either Doyle or work to let them know where she was. Quickly reaching through the folds of her discarded jacket, she still had no idea what she was doing but she had to start somewhere.

The screen read _Dr. Julia M Trainor (work)_. Paris gathered herself and hit answer. Giving some sort of explanation as to why she wasn't at work would be a start. After delivering her excuses more frankly than she was entirely comfortable with, Dr. Trainor's response was honestly sympathetic. Not that Paris gave her the whole story, stress and "_personal issues" _were quickly understood and Julia carefully insisted that some time off might be a good idea. There were weeks worth of unused vacation time that she had built up anyway and her colleague ended the conversation with an earnest assurance that if Paris needed someone to talk to then she was only a call away.

The question of Doyle still hung in the air, he'd become her best friend and she didn't want to hurt him _or_ just dismiss him in all of this. The fact that their marriage was pretty certainly over seemed inevitable, she felt guilty for that but she also felt weight lifting off her shoulders at the same time. One thing was certain, Doyle deserved a real explanation, in person and not hurried or over the phone. Still, she had to tell him something in the mean time, especially if she _was_ indeed going to be staying in Stars Hollow, at least for a night.

Opening up her e-mail folder, she began to type.

Hi,

Sorry I didn't answer your calls this morning, I was on the road longer than usual.

I'm fine but I have to take a trip, it's sudden I know and I'll call you later to let you

know where I am.

It might be a couple of days till I'm home though and there are some things we

need to talk about but don't worry too much okay?

Paris.

Telling him not to worry felt disingenuous but for right now it was all that she could do. Neatly excused from her life Paris stood from the bed and let out a long breath. Running tension out with her fingers slowly along her temples and through her hair, she crossed the room and gathered in the view from her window.

Stars Hollow and the Dragonfly Inn, removed from the centre of town as it was, remained as bizarre and other worldly a sight as it always had. The whole thing was like a Norman Rockwell picture come to life and there was as much about it, about small towns that bothered her as ever. Yet there she was, coming out to herself and taking refuge, the proximity to Rory making her feel more at home than she had in a long time.

It was later in the afternoon when, announced by a gentle knock at her door Rory arrived as promised. She appeared beaming an eager smile and wrapped up in a heavy scarf and winter coat against the evening's promised cold. Paris couldn't help but stifle an amused laugh that her younger self might have dismissed out of hand at the hat Rory wore. It was loose knit and purple with an oversized white bobble that dangled to one side and moved as she walked. Written on the front in large cartoon-ish letters was the phrase,

_World's Best Journalist ! _

It was accompanied in smaller writing on the back by,

_Rory Gilmore, Stars Hollow, Doha, Cairo._

Rory grinned and raised an eyebrow in mock offence at Paris's inevitably obvious notice of her hat. Stepping into the room she let out a laugh,

"What...? My Mom made it for me!"

Linking her arm through Paris's she continued warmly,

"Not all of us can be as flawlessly sophisticated as you can Dr. Geller!"

"Well Gilmore..." Paris began, in reply.

"...you're the only one that ever kept up!"

Knocked for six as she had been by the day's events, Paris felt boyed by the unguarded rhythm of her interaction with Rory. It had developed over the years that they'd spent together, it was a rare thing for her and it had begun to return more quickly than she'd ever expected.

"Well in that case..." Rory offered as Paris collected her own jacket and coat.

"...may I escort you to the evenings festivities m'lady?"

She took a gentle bow, the bobble on her hat flopping forward to comedic effect.

With Rory's arm still entwined in her own Paris felt herself flush hotter as they made their way out of the Inn. The day's self revelations colored her feelings at such close contact. As they made their way into town she couldn't help but entertain new thoughts, new hopes, however unavailing they might have been.


End file.
